How to Live Your Most Aligned Life
OWNER OF SOULCATION, MEL MILES, SHARES HOW TO CHASE YOUR UNSPOKEN DREAMS
Living a life that aligns with your values and dreams is probably the most important thing you could ever do for yourself. But, sometimes it’s hard to know what those dreams really are - or what we really want when given the chance to decide. Today, the owner of Soulcation and dream chaser herself, Mel Miles, is sharing her tips about chasing those unspoken dreams, particularly as female creative entrepreneurs.
This topic of chasing unspoken dreams feels SO relevant - we need to learn how to listen to ourselves. It’s important that we learn to live a life that’s authentic to us and our dreams.
Mel Miles started her career in corporate, working in philanthropy related to global health. When some major life changes began to happen, she realized she was chasing someone else’s dreams and versions of success.
After understanding that she wanted, she started to change her life. Now, she runs an amazing company called Soulcation that hosts retreats, produces mindful planners, and so much more, to help ensure we’re living our best and most authentic lives.
It was a pleasure to sit down with her (she called in from the beaches of Mexico!) to talk about dreams and making hard decisions.
Tiffany: There’s a thousand things I want to talk to you about, but we’re focusing on chasing unspoken dreams today.
You use the phrase “experimenting with your dreams” and I’d love to know what you really mean by that.
Mel: It’s actually based off of a book I love, “Experimenting with Your Identity” that’s all about the idea that we don’t actually know what we want. There’s so much we’re conditioned to see and hear that we don’t really know what makes us happy. THe best advice I can give is to allow yourself to experiment. Those who are the most happy with what they do or their jobs have taken the time to explore and experiment. As adults we don’t always give ourselves that permission, but I want to encourage you to experiment. The more you’re willing to give yourself permission to not know, the better.
T: I love that and it’s so true. I talk to the women I work with about the idea of staying curious. We have a tendency to want to know the answer right now… but maybe we need to be open-minded and keep trying to figure it out. It also brings to mind this concept of saying “yes” to things that feel curious to you. Can we allow ourselves permission to say yes and not be an expert right away?
M: I always say “follow the ease!” What if you lean into the ease and do what feels good? The path of ease can be the path of creation and new life. Your dreams usually come from a place of what feels good. My story shows you that it’s never too late to change your life. It is possible. I went from corporate suits every day to living by the beach in Mexico! Usually, to chase a dream, you have to let something die and people don’t chase that dream because that death feels unfamiliar. But you have to go through that process of grief and let things go in order to allow for something better to grow.
We cling to these things that provide feelings of safety, belonging, and mattering but when those feelings come from roles or jobs that aren’t really a part of us, we feel uncomfortable. So chasing your dreams means you have to find those feelings within and then your journey can really begin.
T: I’m curious… do you find that as women we know but we’re not willing to admit what those dreams actually are? Or do you find that people really don’t know what they want?
M: I see really massive shifts when women are patient enough with themselves. I always tell them to speak the scary truth out loud because that truth will set you free. Whether that’s turning towards your pain or dreams or all of it. But there’s something powerful about women learning to speak their dreams out loud. There is such power in giving a voice to your dreams and claiming them in the open.
Women especially begin to realize that there’s a lot in their lives that they didn’t choose. There are so many things that we’re conditioned or expected to do that aren't part of our inner worlds. Instead, we’ve adapted to someone else’s version of success. Honestly, you don’t even realize that you’re not chasing after your own dream! There’s seriously so much inner and unconscious work that comes with this journey and that’s part of why I created my company.
T: Absolutely. Those unconscious thoughts (or what I call “toxic dragons”) continue to come up as you go through this process. There’s blocks that are holding us back that we don’t even realize are there. And it requires us to put in the work to remove and change those thoughts so we can keep moving forward. Having an outside perspective can be super helpful for that narrative shift. It’s also important to remember that we’re always going to be working on things. It’s not just one and done. If it was, we’d all be millionaires who barely work and enjoy our time off. But it all takes work — every step of the way — to make those things come true.
M: When I started my company, I interviewed women all over the world about what they love to do on vacation. What came out of all that was responses about taking a nap midday, taking long walks, meditating on the beach, and things of that nature. And I think what’s supportive of that work - chasing your dream - is to include these little things that fuel your dream chasing. Instead, I often hear I have to do XYZ before I can give myself those things. But the reality is happiness is the way, not the result.
T: Yes! I always ask myself: How can I make the journey enjoyable? Because if I’m miserable every step of the way, it wasn’t really wasn’t worth it. But, I know it’s a work in progress for all of us.
T: What would you say to people who just need to trust that if they leap, the net will appear?
M: I have so much compassion for that feeling - when I left the Gates Foundation, I felt that way and a colleague said that exact thing to me. It was so scary and hard. But, right after I left my job, I went on The Camino de Santiago (a walking pilgrimage) in Portugal. You don’t get a map or GPS. You’re literally following yellow arrows on the ground. I walked for days just looking for one more arrow to lead me. So many people don’t take these leaps or do these walks because they want all of the arrows up front, you know? It was such a good lesson for me. And not only that, I think being in and connected to my body for those days was just what I needed. So doing things that put you in your body will help with those leaps.
T: Oh, I love that. Look for the next yellow arrow - for the right next step for you. It’s easy to get a thousand steps ahead of ourselves but we just have to pull back and look at the next step - one at a time.
M: Absolutely. When I support clients who make big leaps, I always encourage them to plan for a month of rest. Do nothing. I want them to be able to see what's possible in that time, without the pressure of having to know everything. The more you can call on possibilities that you can never imagine, the better your journey will go. I want them to give themselves permission not to know and to explore. I spent time traveling and really began to understand that there are other ways to do things. And that is so freeing.
T: That’s one of my favorite things about traveling - and I’ve missed it so much. I love knowing and seeing how others go about their lives. There are truly other ways to be happy and fulfilled without subscribing to this toxic hustle culture that we live in here [in the United States.] You get to decide how you go about your life!
M: And the crazy thing about all that is that there is evidence that people who sleep more during the night, take breaks and are more rested are better CEOs, have better relationships, experience more joy in life, and achieve more. Rest can be a strategy for performance!
T: Yes! I truly wonder if in years to come if we’ll see a change in companies based on that research. But, it’s hard to break habits. Let’s dive into that a little bit more.
T: What do you teach people about how to work through the things we’re conditioned to believe?
M: I’m the biggest believer of UN-learning. The best thing we can do as adults is unlearn the beliefs and systems that are no longer serving us. We should ask if things are true, and if we know it’s true for ourselves. And we have to name the beliefs we hold and be willing to question them, too. I provide tools so that people can provide space in their lives for themselves: meditation, a break, a night away, a weekend away. Honestly, I truly believe the best way to unlearn what we think we know is to be quiet enough to listen to our inner voice. But we aren’t always willing to do that. Create times that you can listen and hear yourself, seriously!
Remember, you might not know what you need to unlearn yet and that’s okay. All of our beliefs are attached to emotion and that’s why they stick. We haven’t learned how to feel fear. We can’t turn towards it, but when we learn to feel our emotions - especially the ones that are “bad” or we aren't’ supposed to feel - we are set free. You unlearn by being in tune with the big 5 emotions: grief, anger, sadness, joy, and creative/sexual energy. Feelings only last in our body for 90 seconds. Everything else is the story that we tell ourselves. So unlearning these associations is about writing a new story. The feelings will always happen but the narrative we associate is key.
T: And from the narrative, we take action. So a different narrative will help us with the next step. With enough repetition, we can literally learn a new frame of mind. When we recognize the power of our mind, that’s when everything shifts. But it’s hard to understand if you've never done this before.
M: Oh, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done! I’m still learning even 3 years into this new life and business. I know that taking this leap and chasing my unspoken dreams in life has been the best decision… but it’s been hard. It took a cosmic 2x4 of things in my life to realize I was living a lie and needed to change things.
T: What would you tell someone who knows something isn't right but maybe doesn’t have that cosmic 2x4 waking them up? Can they get ahead of it? What do you recommend for them?
M: I so wish I did that! I’ve thought a lot about this though. Sometimes the pain has to amplify, which requires us being quiet so we can hear it. I believe there’s two types of rest: numbing rest and restoring rest. Numbing rest is when you get to a day’s end and just collapse because you don’t know what to do. So pay attention to when you’re practicing that numbing rest. If that’s your default, then it’s time to change something - that’s your sign.
T: Absolutely. I think that sometimes it can be hard to know you’re miserable but unsure why. Sometimes you’ve been in that state for so long, suppressing what you really feel and desire, that it can be even harder to get out of it. And that alone is a big crisis.
M: I’ll add one thing there: the body doesn’t know the difference between physical and emotional discomfort. We have to eliminate the narrative of comparative suffering. Just because you don’t have cancer doesn’t mean you’re not having a hard time. Grief is grief. Suffering is suffering. By not validating our own pain, we can't start on the path of healing.
T: Let’s end with this question… What is the proudest moment for yourself over the last 3 years (after taking the leap!)?
M: I think my moment came after my marriage ended. I wrote vows to myself actually and had a beautiful ceremony in Thailand where I spoke all of my shameful things, read my vows, and honored myself. And I’m really proud that I’m a scientist and editor who’s writing a book. I’m putting my words in the world and can share this shift! And I love that question by the way because we all should be celebrating ourselves.
T: I agree! I think as women we have a hard time celebrating our wins and talking about them in a proud way. I hope that as we continue to celebrate and applaud each other, it will have a lasting impact.
You can learn more about Mel’s amazing work here.
